My story starts years ago, at the lowest point in my life when all I had left was God. That was the beginning.
I was a proud, strong, black, independent woman but at the same time, coming off of a miscarriage and adultery that led to turmoil in my marriage to my high school sweetheart, I was suffering through the most emotionally difficult period I had ever experienced.
The only way I could cry out to Godwas to let go of my pride because I didn’t want to kill myself and at this point in my life my options were clear: God or death.
At my lowest point I realizedI couldn’t save myself from suicidal thoughts. I couldn’t save myself from overwhelming guilt from my past poor choices. I couldn’t save myself from alcoholism. I couldn’t save myself from constantly breaking down into tears.
If there was liquor in my house, I was drinking it. ALL of it. And although I absolutely HATED crying, I was crying my eyes out every single day. I was an emotional wreck… I knew that I had a problem. I cried out to God because I couldn’t keep living like this but I knew didn’t want to die.
Now, years after this moment, I have come to realize that authenticity comes from transparency.
My life’s goal is to authentically walk out my God-given purpose in love and excellence. As I’ve walked from the beginning until now, I have realized that authenticity cannot be truly obtained unless I am willing to be transparent. Transparency must come before authenticity.
Beginning right now and in the next few posts, I’m going to tell my story like it is now and how it was then in hopes that it will inspire you to develop your personal relationship with God and help you walk in your God given purpose. Here we go:
When I hit my rock bottom, I wasn’t a Godless woman. In fact, I was already a born again Christian.
I didn’t understand how I could call myself a Christian when I was contemplating suicide. But now, I understand that I was just not walking in my victory. I was not walking on a path that was specifically created for me. I was not walking in my God-given purpose.
Yes, I was a Christian. I went to church every now and then. I listened to Christian radio. I watched TBN and I thought that was enough. But it wasn’t. I knew I wasn’t living the lifestyle. I thought because I wasn’t actively hurting anyone, I was fine. I treated my faith like a bumper sticker. If anyone asked me if I believed in Jesus, I’d say yes. But secretly, I was an alcoholic, a porn addict and a liar.
I cried out to God for help because I didn’t have any answers. And it seemed like no one else had them either. I tried to get help from doctors and counselors and yes I even went to church but I still got no answers for me in my situation.
Not having the answer may have been the most nerve-wracking part in all this. I liked to be in control. I needed to know the answers. Not knowing terrified me.
I decided to stop playing the Christian and really asked myself: What does a real Christian look like as a black woman? Like for real, for real. I had no idea because I never had that displayed in my life. I saw the bumper sticker Christians like me. And then at the other end, I saw the evangelists on TV. But they seemed unrealistic compared to where I was in my journey. I didn’t really know how Proverbs 31 really applied to me?
I decided to throw out everything I thought I knew. If I was going to do this, if I was going to do the work to get closer to God, I was going to do it for real. And I wasn’t going to follow someone else’s formula. I needed my own.
I started from nothing and I just focused on me and God. And I didn’t want to just be alive. I didn’t want to follow someone else’s rules and opinions. I wanted to KNOW God for myself and live a fulfilling life and be happy.
I started to search for God. I’d read my bible whenever I could. Some days that meant I was reading for hours. And some days, only 5 minutes. This is when God taught me how to “Pray, Seek, and Obey” his word.
As I was finally starting on my genuine path to God, I was also unemployed and overweight and that took a toll on my self worth and my health. I quickly realized that I couldn’t fix either of those problems until I started to love myself — one of the hardest things I ever had to learn. Read more about how God helped me during my weightless journey here: My journey to God, my “Beach Body” and self love
As for my employment status, God had a lesson to teach me there too. After interviewing for months and doing the song and dance: Suit. Hair in bun. Perfect makeup. Tweaking resumes and cover letters for every new opportunity, then being rejected for every job,I was done. I was mentally drained.
I had one last interview and I decided to just go as myself. I prayed and told myself this was it! I figured they probably wouldn’t hire me anyway so if I was going to go out then I’m going out as myself!
I wore my hair down (no bun). I dressed business casual (no suit). I threw out the rehearsed script and just answered the questioned honestly and… they loved me. The next day they called me back and a week later I was hired! Wow! And God revealed to me that I wasn’t required to be anyone but myself. He gave me what turned out to be my dream job. But I’ll talk more about this later.
This was the beginning of me being transparent and stepping into my authenticity. For me to just be me and being OK with it because I knew God was OK with it. He was OK with me and I didn’t have to be anything else or anyone else. He made a way for ME. Not the pretend me. Not the me with the walls to protect myself. Just ME as I was at that moment. Not better not worse.
I encourage you to step out and learn how to just be you. Not the pretend you. Not the you with all the walls for protection. Just you. Because He has made a way for you and He wants you to walk with Him on it. He is ok with JUST YOU. If you would like to start walking on your path I invite you to watch the video & pray with me here: My prayer for you
Be blessed. Be encouraged. Be you 🙂